It hasn’t been as long an absence as I thought. WordPress has changed in six months’ time. I don’t know where to click to see if I have any followers left.
In the time I’ve been away, I have finished my first semester of college with straight A’s.
Since August, I have been fighting my usual funk, the spirit of taciturnity and depression that seems to follow me around wherever I go. I saw a counselor at school for about two months, then stopped going because I revealed something very painful that I thought integral to my counselor’s understanding my low self-esteem. Hearing it out loud (something I have never told a living soul) was not freeing. The counselor asked, “How does [revealing this about yourself] make you feel?”
I said, “Embarrassed. I know your opinion of me changes with every word I say.”
He said, “Well, that’s true. So, if you know that, why would you tell me this?”
I said, “You said to be honest.” I was crying. “I am honestly considering not coming back here.”
And then I didn’t come back.
I realize, now, that there are some things you just can’t tell people, even if those people are counselors, even if they need that information in order to fix you. People want to believe that eiwojfsdlkxnc mhufdcjk ufdhjc ksfdvxc fdxc
You see what I did there? I got frustrated and swallowed whatever bitter, hyperbolic thing I was going to say. This is why I don’t do this diary anymore. Sometimes, it feels good to get things off of your chest. Other times, it takes too much energy to explain yourself in a coherent way.
I am learning that actions can tell as much as words can, but more cogently. So let’s put it this way:
It is hard to go to sleep at night.
It is hard to get out of bed in the morning.
It is hard to get in the shower, then it is hard to get out of the shower.
All I want to do is watch the heroes of my favorite shows save the world again and again, fall in love again and again. All I want is to be my heroes, to be someone I can admire, to be someone who doesn’t need WordPress therapy.
I may or may not return to this site. If I do return, I cannot promise that the page will not be complete gibberish.