It’s incredible that I should care this much about what other people think of me.
. . .
I have incredibly low self-esteem. I wonder where it came from. I’ve had it and low low low literally since I was a child in kindergarten.
Since, I have always compared myself to others. Or: I have always suspected that I can’t measure up.
He she they always with an edge. I, perched always on the edge, very nearly found out. Yes, very nearly.
. . .
I am a high achiever. 4.0 GPA all the way through high school and college. Accepted into the top creative writing program in the country. I’ve made my parents proud, I know that. My future is bright, I know that. But I am afraid to be found out and expelled. I have been walking in the shadow of an inferiority complex my entire life.
I am tired of myself, wish I could step outside, away.
. . .
That’s childish.
. . .
And yet.
. . .
How do I show up for people the way they need me to when I’d rather escape…
. . .
Man, on paper I look good. In la vie réelle, I am a child, I am very small, and words don’t help at all.
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